I would consider myself a pretty social person. I have friends. A good amount, actually. A suspicious amount, even.
I go to brunches and parties and happy hours and group vacations. I enjoy it all. I like the people I like and evidence suggests they like me back. No notes there.
But there is no substitute for the unbridled freedom of doing shit alone.
Yet many people do not like doing shit alone. I’ve heard from a few friends – usually extroverts, but not always – that the thought of dining alone at a restaurant or going to the movies alone is terrifying. They refuse to do it. It’s a non-starter.
I’m here to tell you that if this is you, you’re depriving yourself of THE INTOXICATING THRILL of peace and quiet in public.
Going to Restaurants Alone
One friend shared that she was self-conscious about dining alone in a restaurant during her lunch break because what if other people were judging her?
Here’s the thing about other people: who gives a fuck?
First and foremost, consider that no one is judging you. No one is even thinking about you. Everyone is thinking about themselves at all times.
Second, think about how MASSIVE a loser someone would have to be to judge a stranger for dining alone. If someone still sees the world as a high school cafeteria and chooses to devote their precious few brain cells to forming an opinion on something as stupid as this, is that not the most pathetic thing you could even imagine? Anyone who would judge A STRANGER for eating alone is objectively a taint and their opinions should count for less than nothing.
Also: what if you’re on a solo business trip? What choice would you have then?
What if you’re in Madison, Wisconsin alone for two nights at the Marriott?
Are you telling me you wouldn’t walk across the parking lot to the Olive Garden and spend your meal stipend on the Tour of Italy® and a big, heaping glass of chilled house Chardonnay? You would deny yourself this midwestern Shangri-La simply because you were afraid of what some locals might think of you? YOU DON’T EVEN LIVE THERE. YOU’LL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN.
Next time you’re feeling self-conscious about eating at a restaurant solo, just pretend you’re on a business trip in a city where no one knows you. Hell, lie to your waiter and tell him you’re on a business trip. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t care. Truly, no one cares.
Pro tip: If you’re a sports fan (or if you can pretend to be a sports fan for a few hours) and it’s some kind of sports season, you can go to a bar or restaurant that airs the games on TV. Just park yourself at the bar and eat and drink in peace while staring at the TV. You’ll probably end up talking to the bartender or other solo sports-enjoyers sitting nearby anyway.
Long ago, when I lived in Los Angeles, my buddy Brendan came to visit on a work trip and stayed there through an NFL Sunday (a sacred day for our people). He posted up at the sports bar next to his hotel all day long and watched all the games there, from 10am to 8pm. He sent out a text to all his L.A. friends alerting us that we could join him at any point if we wanted, but he made it clear those were his plans and that’s where he was going to be – regardless of whether or not we joined him.
I was in awe at the CONFIDENCE and SELF-ASSUREDNESS of this move. I didn’t know we could do that???
I’ve been doing it ever since. You can often catch me on NFL Sundays posted up at some bar when a game I want to watch isn’t available at my house because I live in the DALLAS FUCKING COWBOYS market. (I refuse to pay for NFL Sunday Ticket.)
Sometimes my friends will join me. Sometimes they won’t. Either way, I’ll be at the bar enjoying my buffalo wings and Miller Lites and a game that’s not the Dallas Fucking Cowboys.
The point is: Confidence is magnetic and people admire those who can confidently be themselves without being bothered by what others might think. If you can do this, you will attract the right kind of people for you – while maybe repelling the wrong kind of people for you. This is a good thing.
You can start building confidence by choosing not to give a fuck about what anyone thinks of you while watching out-of-market football games at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Going to the Movies Alone
When was the last time you went to the movies with people who don’t live in your immediate household? Did you employ a Project Manager to coordinate it for you, or did you simply suffer through it yourself?
Coordinating a date AND time? Between multiple people??
Buying tickets in advance?
Is this one of those movie theaters with assigned seating? We all have to get seats together, so who’s buying them? Me? You?
Did you get the tickets yet? Do you want me to get them?
Oh, it’s not a theater with assigned seating? That’s much worse.
I know I’m gonna be the first one to get there and everyone else will be running late. This means I’m the scout by default, so I have to come up with an elaborate plan to reserve five seats in a row. I’ll put a jacket on the fifth seat and then just hope no one comes and sits in any of the seats in betwee—Oh! Excuse me! I’m actually saving these seats. Yeah, sorry. These five. Thank you. Okay, so now I’m out here fighting for my life and having to stand watch over these seats like the Imperial Guard until SOMEONE from my party gets here. Jesus Christ. I have to pee but I can’t abandon my post. And I certainly can’t up to get a box of Buncha Crunch. There’s no way hell is worse than this.
All of that ANXIETY for an activity in which YOU WON’T EVEN GET TO TALK TO THE PEOPLE YOU CAME WITH.
Now, let me paint you a different picture: You decide to go the movies by yourself and you just go.
See how much better that feels?
Going to the movies alone is a GOD-TIER activity. The tranquility is indescribable. You feel like you’re getting away with a crime. For those two hours, you are free from the social contract. Not a soul knows you in that theater. You are accountable to no one.
If society still exists outside the walls of that dark room, you no longer consider yourself a part of their world. The Light Dwellers. With their problems. Could not be you.
When you’re alone, you can get up and go to the bathroom as many times as you want without having to first turn to the person you’re with and saying, “Gonna run to the restroom,” and then having them say, “What?” What do you mean what? WHAT ELSE WOULD I BE SAYING TO YOU IN THIS MOMENT?
You’ll never have to suffer through indignity like this when you go to the theater unencumbered by the company of your loved ones.
I prefer going to the movies alone so much that I actually forgot people like to go to the movies with others and was caught a little off guard when someone asked me recently if I want to go to the movies with them (I don’t).
When In Doubt, Just Lie
If you’re still on the fence about taking yourself out on a solo date, I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with some plausible backstories you can use to give yourself an air of mystery while explaining your solitude to the public:
I’m a juror in a high-profile murder case and I’m currently being sequestered.
I’m currently experiencing a dissociative fugue state, a rare psychiatric disorder that causes temporary amnesia and spontaneous travel.
I’m a long haul trucker and this is just a pit stop on my route. Riding those blue highways is a hard life, but it’s the one I chose. Do you know where I can find some amphetamines?
I’m a private investigator and I’m currently doing surveillance on someone in this restaurant.
I’m lost. I might as well have a meal here while I read my map and figure out where I’m going [for this one, you will need to bring a map].
Oh, but I’m not alone, I’m with… [then you look over to your left, astonished to find no one sitting there. A shiver runs down your spine. Your face turns pale as you look back up at the waiter, bewildered. You learn later that the person you thought was your companion had been dead for 10 years.]
I’m drunk.
Ultimately, doing stuff alone is about enjoying the freedom (🇺🇸🦅🇺🇸) to come and go as you please, without the hassle of coordinating with anyone. Would you deny yourself a delicious meal at a restaurant simply because you need A Person You Know to also sit there and watch you eat? It’s giving kink.
Yes, there needs to be a balance between Social Time and Solo Time. But society forces us to over-index on Social Time at the expense of Solo Time. Solo Time is seen as “sad” – not as the liberating respite from constant stimulation that it actually is. As a result, most people struggle to become comfortable with Solo Time.
Confidence in being alone is a muscle that takes time and effort to develop like any other.
But I promise that if you just suck it up and go to The Cheesecake Factory by yourself on your lunch break, no one will judge you for it.
And if they do, fuck ’em.
Under the roof of The Cheesecake Factory, all are guilty of deviant behavior, regardless of party size.
Anyway,
Desiree