Sigh.
Alright.
Let’s do this.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
It’s time.
Butter boards. They exist, they’re here, and we all have to deal with them.
Butter boards are the latest viral trend sweeping Instagram. It’s a novel take on the broader charcuterie board trend that’s gained steam amongst millennials over the past few years. But novelty aside, make no mistake – the invention of the butter board is NOT a sign of progress.
In Defense of the Classic Charcuterie Board
Classic charcuterie boards, it should be noted, are an unimpeachably perfect entertaining device, deserving of every bit of their popularity. Who among us can resist diving face-first into a decadent mélange of various fancy cured meats, cheeses, crackers, nuts, fruits, and jams?
The monotony of your everyday life might limit your daily cheese selections to uninspired classics like cheddar and Swiss, but a charcuterie board will have you sampling exotic forbidden cheeses, like a bold truffle gouda, or a creamy herbed goat cheese, or perhaps a fresh brie with some fig jam. Charcuterie boards make everyone feel like they’re in the 1%.
A charcuterie board is designed to be a lavish, modernized version of a cornucopia. It’s a canvas upon which a party host showcases their bounty – offerings of local artisan cheesemakers and salami curers and… fruit dehydrators, I guess. When I’m parked in front of a charcuterie board at a party, I feel like I’m attending a royal feast in medieval times. BRING ME MORE TRUFFLE MARCONA ALMONDS AND ROSEMARY SESAME CRACKERS. YOUR QUEEN COMMANDS IT.
Part of the beauty of the charcuterie board – and what makes it such a great medium for entertaining – is that its sheer scope of variety is overwhelming. It’s incumbent upon the snacker to try out different salty/sweet combinations until you find pairings that absolutely slap. Does this goat cheese pair better with the pepper jelly or with the honey? Does this prosciutto pair better with the pecorino or the camembert? Upon WHAT should I drizzle this balsamic glaze?? Each charcuterie board comes with endless statistical possibilities, though you are beholden to none of them. It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure of snacking.
Charcuterie boards are ALREADY exciting enough. Every board is an amusement park of sorts, with each section its own “land.” It’s your job as the host of the party to architect an exciting board full of lands that people will want to explore. That should be challenge enough!
Still, the internet couldn’t help but wonder: what if you could have a charcuterie board, but worse?
And so, the butter board was invented.
Suffering the Indignity of the Butter Board
What can I say about butter boards that hasn’t already been said about a plate of melted butter with a bunch of shit spilled on top of it?
First of all, let’s address the physics of the matter. The surface area ratio of butter-to-air is RECKLESS.
There’s a reason a stick of butter takes longer to melt than a thin layer of butter spread across a piece of wood. When you spread that butter, you’re increasing the surface area of the butter that’s exposed to the warm air. The clock starts ticking the moment that schmear is spread before it melts and turns into The Goo That Was Formerly Known As Butter. BETTER EAT THAT SHIT FAST, FOLKS.
Oh, and how exactly do you eat it? Just tear off a piece of bread and sop up the quickly-melting greasy butter off of a porous wooden plank in a hot room? And it’s COMMUNAL?
“But oh, Desiree, it’s not JUST butter. You can put onions and parsley and capers and all kinds of fun herbs and seasoning on it!” OH GREAT, so now it’s not just melted butter on a big plate, but melted butter on a big plate with lawn clippings floating around in it, awesome. Sign me up! I didn’t know there was gonna be debris floating all up in the mess too, this changes everything.
If charcuterie boards are meant to elevate the level of sophistication in any party, then butter boards yield the opposite effect. You want me to come over to your house and lap up this butter from a communal trough like a little piggy? Wiping up butter from a countertop and shoving the dripping wet bread into your mouth is CLASSLESS. No one eating from a butter board is comporting themselves with any measure of dignity. We are going BACKWARDS.
But oh, there’s more.
The moment butter boards were established, the “idk just smear shit onto the countertop” genre was born. Now we have variations like:
The Cream Cheese Board
Cream cheese is even HARDER to scoop up than butter! You have about 20 minutes to eat this before a rind begins to form on all that exposed cream cheese. A RIND! I am going to vomit.
The Peanut Butter and Nutella Board
Hey, wouldn’t it be great if you could eat from your friend’s countertop and then be super sticky afterwards? Well, now you can! Thanks to the Peanut Butter and Nutella board.
I can feel my heart rate rising and my teeth clenching as I become filled with a white-hot rage at the thought of trying to get a workable amount of Nutella off of a flat board and onto a graham cracker.
Ice Cream Boards
GREAT IDEA, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? WHY WOULD YOU EVER EAT ICE CREAM FROM A CONE WHEN YOU COULD SIMPLY SPREAD THE ICE CREAM ALL OVER YOUR COUNTER AND THEN POORLY SCOOP IT UP WITH SHARDS OF A CONE???? WE HAVE FUN IN THIS HOUSE!
You have exactly 45 seconds to enjoy the ice cream board before it’s an actual puddle of warm sugar milk and ruins the party.
Butter Cream Boards
If it’s my birthday and someone serves me this shit instead of an actual dessert, I am going to kill myself.
Stop trying to get cute with the party snacks, folks. You’re overthinking it, I promise. Charcuterie. Veggie trays. Pigs in a blanket. Chips and dips. Desserts that are their own discrete units.
If I show up at your house and you’re making me clean your countertops with scraps of bread that I then have to eat, I am going to calmly and silently walk out of your home, get in my car, and drive away.
See you out at the holiday parties, everyone!
-Desiree