I’m currently writing this newsletter in August, in Texas. It’s been over 100 degrees for 2 consecutive months. We’ve seen about 30 minutes of rain since June. It’s sweltering and humid and horrible. And it would be EASY to say that August is the worst month of the year because right now, it feels like the sun is punishing us for existing. But August is not quite the worst month. We’re simply too close to the situation to think clearly.
I decided to sit down and evaluate each month of the year, pragmatically and objectively. Though, to be clear, my evaluations are based on the norms and seasonality of the warmer climates in which I’ve lived my entire life: Southern California and Central Texas. If you live some place where it snows for 6 months out of the year, then you have your own problems that are none of my business.
Here are the months ranked from worst to best.
12. February
In August, it’s EASY to wish for the cold of February right about now.
But we can’t forget about why February sucks.
There’s a certain hopelessness in Februaries that doesn’t exist in any other month. January can begin on a melancholy note as it marks the end of the boisterous holiday season, but there’s always an underlying sense of hope and resolve in a January. It’s a new year, new me. Anything is possible in January.
By February, you realize that’s a lie. You’ve lost the optimism of the new year and the crushing reality sets in that, in February, you’re as far away as you can possibly be on the calendar from all the best parts of the year. There are no good holidays on the horizon (Valentine’s Day is a third-tier holiday at best, and not worthy of consideration).
The football season ends in February with the Super Bowl, but your team’s season was likely ended long before then. The Super Bowl is the last of the Major Eating Holidays, after which you must come to terms with the fact that there won’t be another until 4th of July.
On top of all of its crushing reality, February also has the audacity to be cold and miserable. You look outside and all the trees are dead. It’s grey and lifeless and unsettling. February is a joy vacuum, the lowest of the low in terms of festivity.
Also, let’s not forget that there’s downright dangerous weather in February. In Texas, our famous Snowpocalypse that left thousands without power for days occurred in February 2021. People were forced out of their freezing homes but couldn’t even drive on the streets, which were all iced over.
The official motto of February should be: “Ugggh, let’s just get this over with.”
If February were a medical procedure, it would be a colonoscopy.
If February were a photograph, it would be this photograph:
Pay attention to how you feel next February. I guarantee you’re more miserable than you are in August.
11. August
August sucks too though, let’s be real. It’s the Sunday night of months. The summer is over, so the pool parties and beach vacations and backyard cookouts are winding down. But fall hasn’t quite started yet, with all its GLORIOUS seasonal trappings.
By the time August rolls around, it’s already been hotter than all holy hell for months, so you’re ready it for it stop being hot. But August can never read a room. The bitch stays hot. August feels like a guest that’s overstayed their welcome.
You’re just sitting indoors, going stir crazy because it’s now been 3 months of this shit, and that’s about all the human psyche can take. But what’s worse is that there’s NOTHING going on indoors. There’s no good TV since many shows are on summer hiatus.
Plus, August is the home to the biggest tease in the world: pre-season football. I don’t want to watch these AMATEURS. BRING OUT JOE BURROW, RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
August is the corollary to February in a lot of ways. But the thing that separates August is hope. There’s so much to look forward to just around the corner. The pumpkin spice, the chill in the air, the cozy sweaters, JOE BURROW ON MY TV SCREEN.
All of that is so close in August.
Plus, Taylor Swift wrote a song about August and if Taylor Swift can romanticize it, it simply cannot be the worst thing in the world.
10. January
All the egg nog is gone. You’ve eaten your last tree-shaped cookie. You won’t see another candy cane for 12 months. Bitch, welcome to January.
The melancholy of post-New Year’s January cannot be matched. It’s a sudden comedown from the ALL-OUT JOY BINGE of the holiday season. You have to take down your Christmas decorations. Your house no longer smells like ginger and pine. You have to return to work. January is the Monday of the months.
But to re-iterate: the blind optimism of January’s fresh start earns it a few spots higher on the list than its neighbor, February – which, again, sucks the most ass.
9. March
March can go either way. If it’s a cold March, then it can eat shit. If it’s a warm March, then it’s patio weather. But March’s failure to be predictable in terms of air comfort makes it hard for me to trust it. It’s a wild card month. Prove to me why you deserve to be higher than number 9, March.
It has St. Patricks Day, which is a second-tier holiday. I’ll drink a green beer. I’ll drink a Shamrock Shake. But my heart’s not in it.
8. April
Now HERE’S your patio weather! It’s crawfish season, it’s finally comfortable enough to be outside, and sometimes Easter is in April. Things are looking up. Nothing terribly exciting, but it’s okay.
I can’t explain why, but April just feels like the number 8 of months. April has 8 energy. I will not elaborate.
7. September
In September, football is back and there is once again something to live for. It’s time to start stocking up on fall decor and pumpkin spiced shit at the store. September is really the staging area for the fall.
Sometimes leaves start to change color and there are even glimpses of patio weather starting in September. You’re chomping at the bit to go full feral for autumn, but September forces you to wait just a liiiiiittttle while longer, and for that transgression, it’s in the bottom half of months.
6. May
PEAK patio weather. It should be May temperatures forever. May doesn’t have much in the way of festivities, but its sheer pleasantness of atmosphere grants it a strong standing on the list of months.
May doesn’t need the cheap gimmicks of some flashy, big name holiday (though Memorial Day, a third-tier holiday, is in there somewhere). The unbothered May is simply coasting along on vibes alone. 😎 And that’s just fine with me.
5. July
We all have our pros and our cons, and July is no exception.
Con: It can be MISERABLY hot. Pro: The 4th of July.
Con: You want to die because it’s so hot. Pro: Hot dogs and potato salad.
Con: Can you even be outside because it’s so fucking hot? Pro: You’ve enjoyed 16 ice cold beers by 3pm.
Con: It was literally 104 degrees on 4th of July this year. Pro: Fireworks!
July has a TOP-TIER HOLIDAY in a shit month. But this alone imparts July with peak carefree summer vibes and earns it a spot above the quieter, more understated months.
July is the Arizona State University of months. A lot of partying, but in a mercilessly hot environment.
4. June
June is the best of the summer months because the temperatures are just starting to creep up. And it can even be a welcome change of pace when you’ve been itching to do summer activities for months by the time June rolls around.
A dip in the frigid waters of Barton Springs can be unappealing in the mild Spring months, but in June, you can finally begin to TRULY appreciate the icy plunge.
June is also Gemini season, which means the most unhinged people in your life are all having their moments in the sun. And good for them.
June is the one month of the summer that carries itself with civility and class. The heat hasn’t yet overstayed its welcome and we can all delude ourselves into thinking that maybe we actually like summer when it’s June. (And then July comes around to remind us that we don’t.)
3. October
Here we fucking go. Now we get into the MONEY MONTHS. October is the official start of The Good Part of the Year.
From October to the end of November, there will not be a single moment in which pumpkin spice is not coursing through my veins. Pumpkin spice coffee, pumpkin spice waffles, pumpkin spice beer, pumpkin spice hand soap – if they sold pumpkin spice toilet paper, my ass would be smelling like a goddamn Starbucks.
And Halloween is no longer limited to October 31st. That date on the calendar is a mere formality. No, Halloween is ALL MONTH LONG. October is Halloween.
It’s time to watch all your favorite spooky classics. Hocus Pocus. The Haunting of Hill House. The Simpsons Halloween episode marathon. Any month that comes with an extensive catalog of shows and movies dedicated to it is a month that deserves top billing in the pantheon of months. October is a culture.
Now, having said that, I have to acknowledge that Halloween does lose some its luster as you get older, same as the summer months. When you’re a kid, Halloween is on par with Christmas – just an unfettered bender of candy and insanity. Even when you’re a young adult, Halloween enjoys a resurgence in your life as an excuse to party and drink orange & black jello shots and hook up with strangers dressed as Ghostbusters.
But in your 30s, things have slowed down. You might wear a costume at work, and that’s about all the excitement you need. Some of you have kids and you’ve become the chaperones taking them trick-or-treating. You’re not the ones going apeshit in the wild hunt for candy, but the ones regulating the candy haul once you’ve gotten home.
So yes, the adult Halloween vibes are subdued. It’s still good, but there’s a precipitous drop-off in Halloween merriment that comes with maturity.
And that’s okay. Because we can enjoy a nice pumpkin spice beer after dinner and turn on the same Hocus Pocus we’ve seen 30 times and still be perfectly content in October. 😌
2. December
I’m going to upset a lot of people by awarding December with the silver medal on the list of months. And I don’t care.
December has a lot going for it. Christmas, of course. New Year’s Eve. Hell, my own birthday is in December.
And it is a fantastic month. You spend the entire month doing festive shit. And the sheer VARIETY of festive shit you can do is staggering.
You can choose from a library of Christmas movies so long it spans GENERATIONS. From It’s A Wonderful Life to Elf to Die Hard. From Home Alone to Jingle All the Way to The Santa Clause. The Hallmark Channel is playing C-list Christmas themed rom-coms all month long, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
And the MUSIC! No other holiday has its own genre of music. A Halloween playlist only has the song “Monster Mash” played on repeat for hours. Christmas, on the other hand, has every major recording artist falling all over themselves to record a Christmas album at some point. Christmas is single-handedly keeping Mariah Carey and Michael Buble employed. That’s how powerful the Christmas music milieu is.
But there are also a few small details keeping it from being the best month overall.
Does December have its own distinct category of specialty seasonal foods? Yes, of course. Egg nog, Christmas cookies, candy canes, gingerbread, etc. But I want you to really ask yourself: Are any Christmas foods actually as good as Thanksgiving foods?
I contend that while December does technically have a distinct seasonal genre of foods, it’s second to Thanksgiving in that category.
Secondly, I’ll admit that the Christmas season has its own unique fashion. The red and green motif, the tartan plaid, etc. However… is it really your favorite aesthetic? I want you to sit down and think about it.
There’s a reason they’re called “ugly Christmas sweaters.” It’s novelty fashion. It can border on kitsch. It’s on par with Halloween costumes. We’re cosplaying Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, it CAN be fun to wear seasonal Christmas stuff (and I do, liberally, throughout December). But is it THE BEST seasonal wardrobe aesthetic? Reader, it is not. (I am very brave for saying this.)
December is a month of peaks and valleys. The run up to Christmas can be exciting, but it’s also stressful – sometimes too stressful to even enjoy it fully.
The main selling point of December is the week between Christmas and New Year’s, which I refer to as “No Man’s Land.” It’s one of my favorite weeks of the year.
From December 26th through December 31st, you wake up in the morning and have absolutely NO IDEA what day it is. All of the obligations of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are behind you and your presence is not expected anywhere. You probably don’t have to work. You stay in your pajamas all day. Now is the time to go fully feral.
And all existing meal rules and taboos are broken during No Man’s Land week. You graze on Christmas cookies for breakfast, eat a tin of gifted fudge for lunch, and a bowl of leftover mashed potatoes for dinner. Who cares? The laws of man can’t touch you. You have become ungovernable. To me, this is when December truly shines.
But for all its revelry and peppermint-flavored joy, December is still outdone by one month…
1. November
November doesn’t need a lot of bells and whistles to be considered the top month. It needn’t be tarted up with the spectacle of trick-or-treating or Santa Clause.
November has cemented its spot as the best month by the SHEER STRENGTH of its UNIMPEACHABLE VIBES alone.
October, like March, can be unpredictable in terms of weather. Some Octobers cling to the summer heat and earn the fairly problematic nickname, “Indian Summer.” But NOVEMBER? Seldom does a November try that shit with us.
You can count on there being a CHILL in the air when November rolls around. That shit is always reliably CRISP.
November also marks the true return of patio season – and it’s a good thing because it fucking RULES to be outside when the leaves are yellow and orange and red and ooooooOOOOOOOOHHHHH I JUST FUCKING LIVE FOR THIS SHIT. 😮💨
You can finally start pulling your fall wardrobe out of the closet and truly start dressin’. The entire color palette of autumn is first class. Your clothes are shades of brown and red and orange and yellow and cream and you look SO FUCKING GOOD IN ALL OF IT.
Fall fashion is flattering on EVERYBODY. Put on that cream-colored cable knit sweater, you sexy motherfucker. I guarantee you, EVERYONE in a cream-colored cable knit sweater looks like this:
Nothing will be cozier than a November. Turn on the fireplace. Put on a fleece. Pour you a hot apple cider. EVERYTHING SMELLS FUCKING INCREDIBLE. THIS IS WHAT WE WAIT ALL YEAR FOR.
And all of this is in anticipation of the best holiday of the year: THANKSGIVING.
What is a holiday, if not a chance to come together and eat the best food we are capable of making?? Christmas foods don’t hold a candle to Thanksgiving foods. I could go the rest of my life without eating another candy cane, but I would not want to live in a world without pumpkin pie. I could say goodbye to egg nog forever, but don’t you dare separate me and my spiced apple cider.
Every year, I’m left scratching my head about why we don’t use the spices of Thanksgiving in more things throughout the year. Rosemary and thyme and sage, cinnamon and nutmeg and allspice – flavor literally doesn’t get any better than that! I don’t think people even bother seasoning their food in the summer months.
And the entire WEEK of Thanksgiving is right up there with No Man’s Land week in December. Sure, you might work for the first half of that week, but let’s be honest, mentally and spiritually, you are already sitting at the table with your plate full of turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and green beans and mac & cheese and candied yams.
And there’s FOOTBALL ON THE TV at Thanksgiving. I always love a party when there’s something to look at on TV. It really takes the pressure off of socializing.
My favorite ritual of the year, in any year, is the Morning After Thanksgiving Breakfast. During Thanksgiving, you’re eating all the great foods, but you’re also engaging in lively conversation at the dinner table. You can’t concentrate on the food. What I really want is to give the pie my complete and undivided attention.
So on the Morning After Thanksgiving, I have my annual ritual – I turn on the TV, put on something nice to watch, and eat a piece of leftover pumpkin pie with a cup of black coffee, alone and in peace. It is as close as I get to transcendental meditation.
Finally, I know many of you will be showing up at my door with pitchforks because I ranked December below November, but HEAR ME OUT:
The anticipation for Christmas is actually the highest in November, NOT December. The moment Thanksgiving ends, we get the THRILL of setting up our Christmas decor. Black Friday is the official start of the holiday season. Santa is at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. November boasts the MOST time to get excited about Christmas. Talk about versatility!
I want justice for November. It’s the best month. It just has bad marketing. Whoever is November’s agent didn’t land them the movie deals or the music contracts, but that’s not November’s fault.
Also my dog’s birthday is in November and just look at her: