Owning a New House: Expectation vs. Reality
I thought I knew how to live in a house. I was wrong.
I recently purchased a new construction home. I thought that buying a fresh new house meant there would be less to worry about.
I was wrong.
I thought I knew how to live in a house. I lived in my parents’ house for a long time – even recently, as I waited for my own home to be built. I’ve seen how a house operates. I’ve seen how a lawn works. I get it.
But, reader, I did not get it.
For one thing, owning a new construction home is like beta testing a house. You have one year to figure out all the things wrong with it so that the builder can fix them. After that, you’re on your own.
For another thing, I’ve always lived with other people. I’ve never borne the sole responsibility for the entire house operation. One example: I’ve actually never seen a water bill in my life until I bought my house. Did you know they charge you for water AND sewer? You’re charging me for the water coming out of the faucet AND it going down the drain?? You can’t charge for it coming AND going! Pick one!
For me, new homeownership has been a baptism by fire. It’s a lot of new things to learn VERY QUICKLY and with high stakes. Allow me to take you on a journey through my last two months.
What I Thought New Home Ownership Would Be Like:
Glad I’m moving into a brand new home! It’s all-new stuff, so everything should be perfect, right? I’ll just sit back, relax, and enjoy my new life as a homeowner. 😌
What New Home Ownership Is Actually Like:
Is that… is that a bubble in the vinyl wood flooring? Did these motherfuckers leave a BUBBLE in my vinyl wood flooring?
Good to see there’s a steady parade of water softener salesman ringing at my door at all hours, driving me to the brink of madness.
I have to find a tasteful “No Soliciting” sign to put on my door to brand myself as the neighborhood curmudgeon.
MY GOD, look at how tall those weeds are. Do I… do I pull them out? With my hands?
Oh fuck this, I am not pulling weeds for the rest of my life. I guess I just have weeds now.
Why are some parts of the new sod not taking to the soil?
Are the sprinklers installed at incorrect intervals?
Okay, I’ve measured the distance between the sprinkler heads. I have no idea what to do with this information.
Boy, I wish I could park my car in my garage, but there’s no room as the garage is COMPLETELY filled with hundreds of cardboard boxes. It’ll take 3-4 months’ worth of garbage day collection to get rid of all these boxes. All of my free time is now spent breaking down cardboard boxes. It’s become my primary hobby.
Wait, what do you mean I need to file for a “homestead exemption”?
AND IT’S PAST THE DUE DATE??
Oh, so I need to get my driver’s license updated with my new address BEFORE I can file for the homestead exemption? Yeah, that should be easy since the Texas DMV has NEVER ONCE sent me a new driver’s license when I’ve requested them for address changes in the past. Piece of cake.
Okay, I need to remember to get up into the attic at least once a month to put a cup of water (or like a cup of water + vinegar or something?) into the air conditioning thing. In no way do I recall the details of what I’m supposed to do.
I can’t get into the attic anyway because it’s currently being blocked by hundreds and hundreds of cardboard boxes.
What the hell is that stuff growing under the mulch in my planter?
Oh, it’s something called “Bermuda grass.” Okayyy… and just what in the HELL am I supposed to do about THAT? Babes, you never told me about this, so I’m choosing to ignore it. Be blessed. 😌
Oh good, my new custom-built couch that took 6 weeks to deliver is finally arriving today!
Why does the couch smell like a pile of oil-soaked rags?
I NEED TO REMEMBER TO REGISTER ALL THE APPLIANCE WARRANTIES WITHIN 90 DAYS AND IF I DON’T I’M SO FUCKED AHHHHHH.
You know what? I think I remember the builder saying some of them needed to be registered within 45 days?? LOL oh well, too late, good luck to those appliances!
How do I clean hard water stains from the shower door?
This cleaning product claims it will remove hard water stains from a shower door.
It does not.
Here’s another product that claims it will remove hard water stains from a shower door.
This one was even worse than the last one and I think the fumes may have poisoned me.
Where did all these flies on the patio come from?
I need to hang up this glue paper fly trap on the patio rafters but I don’t have a ladder.
Okay, I bought a ladder.
OH NO THE FLY TRAP GLUE PAPER TOUCHED MY HAND AND NOW THERE’S FLY TRAP GLUE ALL OVER MY HAND.
I need to buy rubber gloves.
Is that a spider building an EGG SACK? An EGG SACK on MY PATIO??
I’ll just spray this can of Raid at the spider from a safe distance. (Sprays an entire can of Raid, which trickles down and coats the entire wall).
Boy, I wish I could wash all that spider poison off of my house. But I don’t have a hose. I need to buy a hose.
Damn, this hose isn’t spraying like I need it to spray. I need to buy a nozzle that sprays better. (Spends hours reading online reviews comparing hose nozzles, a $10 purchase).
This loose hose on the ground is an eyesore. I guess I need to buy something to hold the hose. (Spends hours researching hose-holding contraptions to find one that’s cute).
Are those… are those MUSHROOMS?
Google “are mushrooms on lawn bad?”
Time to install the medicine cabinet in the bathroom because this house didn’t come with one because that would have made too much sense.
Oh shit, this medicine cabinet is way too heavy for me to install by myself – guess that’s not getting done!
The Homeowner’s Association accidentally double-charged me for my dues, presumably because they thought my life could use more thrills.
My refund check will be in the mail within 7-10 business days.
OH GOOD, THERE IS A FAMILY OF SPIDERS LIVING IN THE BATHROOM VENT. GUESS THEY’LL JUST KILL ME IN MY SLEEP THEN.
Is… is my refrigerator crooked? (Puts a soda can on its side, watches it roll to the back of the refrigerator.)
The refrigerator is crooked.
I am… so tired.
Anyway,
Desiree